Have to believe we are magic…

A year ago last week, I went out on a limb and declared Gerry Rafferty’s Baker Street to be the best song ever written. It was a courageous stand, and I took a lot of heat for it, but it was the right thing to do… And, I’m about to do it again.

Today, I’d like to make an equally provocative, yet equally warranted, announcement concerning Olivia Newton John’s song Magic, from the Xanadu soundtrack. After a great deal of research and soul-searching, I hereby formally declare it to be the most unsettling song ever performed in the English language.

I started thinking about it a few days ago, as I was driving around by myself, just as the sun was coming up. The song came on the radio, and, for some reason, instead of just mindlessly singing along, like I’ve been doing since the song came out, when I was a kid, I actually listened to the words… I mean, I really listened to them. And they freaked me the fuck out… Admittedly, I was tired and hungry, and I was probably more susceptible to being freaked out than usual, but have you ever listened to the song? It’s like she’s talking right to you, telling you to do all of this stuff. It’s totally fucking creepy.

Here’s how it begins.

Come take my hand
You should know me
I’ve always been in your mind
You know I will be kind
I’ll be guiding you

Building your dream
Has to start now
There’s no other road to take
You won’t make a mistake
I’ll be guiding you

You have to believe
We are magic
Nothing can stand in our way
You have to believe
We are magic
Don’t let your aim ever stray
And if all your hopes survive
Destiny will arrive
I’ll bring all your dreams alive
For you
I’ll bring all your dreams alive
For you

From where I stand
You are home free
The planets align so rare
There’s promise in the air
And I’m guiding you

Through every turn
I’ll be near you
I’ll come any time you call
I’ll catch you when you fall
I’ll be guiding you…

How is it that we have crazy people all the time killing folks because of movies like Batman, or because they imagine that famous people, like Jodie Foster, are communicating with them trough hidden messages, but no one, to my knowledge, has ever done anything even remotely terrible as a result of this song, which is clearly urging listeners to act on ominous, unspecified plans, promising that, if they do, they’ll be looked after by magic forces?

Who the fuck needs to get messages from a talking dog when you have something like this in popular culture?

Here it is, for those of you who have never had the pleasure. Let me know if you agree.

[note: A close second on the all time most upsetting list would be Hellen Reddy's Angie Baby, followed by something from the Throbbing Gristle catalog, like Hamburger Lady.]